Everyone loves a good sugar cookie—one that has been mixed, baked, and frosted to perfection.
The best sugar cookies require a lot of effort to make. Dough must be refrigerated for hours; it must be kneaded and rolled; carefully placed cookie cutters must be removed and the resulting shapes transferred with utmost delicacy.
And yet, there are always misshapen ones in the batch.
We have all experienced it. As soon as Grandma sets a pan of hot, fresh cookies on the counter, everyone rushes to find the one that has turned out too flat, short, or crooked. I know I've been guilty of "accidentally" dropping one so that I could eat it!
Certain expectations in LDS culture make women feel like they have to be a perfect sugar cookie. Some of these include being able to sing like Whitney Houston, cook like Rachel Ray, and play the piano like John Schmidt.
Afraid of failing to fulfill these expectations and be perceived as less valuable or desirable, women are crippled by the pressure and stress that making the effort of living up to the standard brings.
President Monson made an announcement last October that echoed around the world:
The reduction of the missionary ages has completely changed stereotypes at BYU. Now that more girls will be leaving on missions, we joke about empty classrooms and flip-flopped roles of guys and girls.
This meme of Ryan Gosling (a familiar sight to avid Pinterest-ers) is just one of the jokes that has been circulating:
Although these jokes are shared in the name of fun and games, they are hurtful to girls not serving missions.
Two of my roommates decided a few months ago that they would not serve missions. It was, and still is, hard for them to tell others what they have determined to do; all too often, they feel judged and diminished for choosing to stay home.
Like an extra embellishment on a sugar cookie, this age change has added yet another expectation to the list for "sugar cookie perfect" LDS girls.
Although it is generally accepted that girls who stay home from missions are not failures, we sometimes have a hard time being just as excited for them as we are for girls who have received their mission calls.
But isn't it true that unusually-shaped cookies taste just as fantastic as the regular ones? Girls who do what’s right for them, and overcome the fear of being seen as a failure for doing something different than everyone else, are equally valuable and desirable.
Whatever shape their cookie takes is perfect and makes them who they are.
It takes courage for one to conquer the fear of failure and do what is right for them when society expects something different; but doing so will ultimately help us become the person we are meant to become.
When I first began this post, I figured that the ‘failure’ aspect of the blog would be something related to school-work, as that is the first thing that comes to mind. I never would have swung the post in the direction of LDS women being perfect, cookie-cutter Molly Mormons. But this is so true! I know that when I came to BYU, even if it wasn’t always at the front of my mind, I definitely felt somewhat at a disadvantage compared to the other girls. My cooking, sewing, piano playing and singing skills are not comparable to these other ideal Mormon women around me. I also think boys have been held to a standard. Girls have had mental pictures of ideal, RM husbands since they were in senior primary. While girls are now feeling this pressure to go on missions, boys have always had this on their backs.
ReplyDeleteThat is so true! I also think that guys have been held to a high standard throughout their lives, but I never really thought about it that way before. They do feel a lot of pressure from girls to live up to the standard of the perfect Mormon guy. With such unrealistic expectations for guys and girls, it is really easy for us to become discouraged and think that we'll never measure up. We make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be!
DeleteLike Eliza, I thought that this post would be related to school-work. When I think about it, the only time I consider myself having been a failure has been in school. But I love the topic of this post and how applicable it is to BYU students. And what you said is very true. I know this post is centered around girls, but as a guy I sometimes feel the same way. I can't go to a single dorm building without seeing a guy playing the piano and feeling at a disadvantage because I am nowhere near as good. I know a lot of girls in my ward that are going on missions. That's wonderful, and I'm extremely happy for them, but sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if they made that decision because they felt pressure to do so. I loved your example about the sugar cookie. Even the lopsided sugar cookies still taste great. Sometimes I feel like we need to stop comparing ourselves to others, because ultimately that will set us up for failure.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you were able to relate to this post as well! If it hadn't been for the word limit, I would have gone on to discuss the pressure that guys feel concerning going on missions as well; although it is a choice for us to go, you guys are expected to. Also, like you said, I've heard my FHE brothers and other guys in my ward talking about how they'll never be as good as "so-and-so" at playing the guitar, the piano, or at singing. We all have a tendency to think that way, and you're right--we do set ourselves up for failure.
DeleteKylie, your post rings so true for me. I remember during NSO at BYU, we sat in the Marriott and the speaker said something to the effect of, “You were all extraordinary in high school, but now that you are all ordinary.” This has been bothering me since that day – why does perfection have to be so relative?
ReplyDeleteIn high school I wrote a long paper about academic overachievers and the psychology behind their high-performance level, looking into finding a correlation between a need to excel with the development with anxiety disorders. Your post has me considering that perhaps it isn’t our natural motive to achieve, but more of our fear of failure, that drives so many of us to work beyond our means.
I love that you brought up the recent age change, because for me going on a mission in a year would be a severe detriment to my studies. However, because so many girls are going, I’m afraid that it appears that I am putting school in front of my love of God and that other people will judge me and my testimony because of that. I agree that facing our fears of failure is the only way that we will become our own person, and hopefully I can remember that in the coming years.
I am so glad that this post was meaningful for you, Katie! You're right--a lot of times, perfection is really relative, and the bar has been raised pretty high here. An article recently came out in The Universe that talks about how BYU is the fourth most stressful school in America. We were even ranked higher than Harvard and the Naval Academy! I think that we do all have a drive to succeed, like you said, and that the stress comes from the fear we have of falling short. For me the age change fit perfectly with the fear of failure because as I've been talking with roommates, visiting teaching partners, and other friends about their feelings about serving a mission, I found that they all felt pressured to go even if they knew it wasn't right for them. They were simply afraid of being looked down on for not going. Although I, after careful consideration, have decided to serve a mission, I felt a lot of the same things right after the age change had been established. I want to support those girls who are afraid of asserting themselves and the choice they know to be right, because I know how hard it can go against the expectations others have for us. The important thing for us to remember is that we don't need to accept others' expectations--after all, we are the ones who know ourselves best and which direction we need to go.
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